Here is a short parody about waking up, a blend of ballet and orchestra in the bedroom. I will call the typical daily event my "Marf Morning Musical". Enjoy!
Drum rolls start as my Coumadin dose is now due and without the beta-blocker my St. Jude aortic valve is clicking louder and louder, faster and faster. The St. Jude drum section wakens me from a fitful sleep of wild, medication induced dreams.
The only way to quiet the drum section is to take my meds. That means getting up. So I stretch and the stringed up sternum section sends a loud thunderous pop, louder than the St. Jude drums, as my unstable sternum pops open once more, as it does every morning. Added to the sternum pop is the prolonged and melodious 'owwwch" coming from my lips as the chest cage breaks apart. It has been two years since the last cut through and still no healing (Thank You connective tissue disorders!).
Of course the pain from the popping sternum sends the St. Jude valve section into wild non-rythmic AFIB or VTACH beating, changing the beat from a slow 4/4 to a rushing drum roll. Now I know I must quickly reach the medication drawer and slip a big blue pill under my tongue.
I roll over to my hands and knees, up from the floor bed pad I've made because my lower back detests the bed mattress and push up to a standing position, taking the first few steps towards the bathroom and the pills.
Ker-pop, ker-pop, ker-pop echos the sound of me walking across sheets of bubble wrap strewn across the floor. Of course there is no bubble wrap laying anywhere in our house. But my knees, ankles and other joints must go through their daily popping, releasing all the body gas built up in the joint sections.
But with the ker-pops and St. Jude valve section in full play, my seemingly beautiful and graceful dance across the floor ends up with a loud crash into the bathroom door as the connective tissue in my ankle gives way and my tall, lanky frame flings furiously forward.
No, that is not blue make up covering my forearms and face, just bruises from the Coumadin regime and the morning smacks from the floor, doors, dresser and walls.
Things begin to slow down with my first cup of dark roast in the French press and a hot shower. Then then pick up again as the day progresses.
Such is the Marf Morning Musical.
I know there are lots of you out there who can relate.
It is good to know I am not alone with my music and dance.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Fear of Night
November 28 will mark the two year anniversary of my dissection experience. I am really glad it happened then and I am somewhat 'fixed', at least for a while.
But aren't we all here only a 'while'? So every day I wake and am breathing is a blessing beyond any words I could write. Each new morning's light is like a coffee break (I'll take espresso) in the long day of uncertainty.
However at the end of the day, as the sun sets, a sometimes subliminal fear sets in, a fear of not waking up. I think this dread of the dark is a weaving of many thought currents not the least being the memory of my late night dissection and the severe panic and pain accompanying the aorta tear.
So at night I do not welcome that visitor of disquietude. Yet it predictably comes.
I do not understand many things. But I know this; it is good to wake up and take a breath. For every new sunrise I am granted absolution from a darkness once more.
Maybe for me this reprieve is what grace is all about.
But aren't we all here only a 'while'? So every day I wake and am breathing is a blessing beyond any words I could write. Each new morning's light is like a coffee break (I'll take espresso) in the long day of uncertainty.
However at the end of the day, as the sun sets, a sometimes subliminal fear sets in, a fear of not waking up. I think this dread of the dark is a weaving of many thought currents not the least being the memory of my late night dissection and the severe panic and pain accompanying the aorta tear.
So at night I do not welcome that visitor of disquietude. Yet it predictably comes.
I do not understand many things. But I know this; it is good to wake up and take a breath. For every new sunrise I am granted absolution from a darkness once more.
Maybe for me this reprieve is what grace is all about.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Singing Aorta - Marfan Syndrome and Dissection
My aorta has been singing. On top of the 'itchies-bugs crawling', the clickity-clicking, vivid dreams, insomnia, chronic fatigue and..., now my aorta is singing. I call it 'harmonic pulsation'. When my heart beats, I am thinking my torn false lumen is flapping in the blood flow like a piece of paper held taught between two fingers. Since the tear extends down into my legs my entire body was humming last night every time my heart beat! This is so cool to have a stringed quartet inside me! Wow! I love life! xxx
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Sunshine and Cardiovascular Health
I find peace and God along my walks in the deep Florida sunshine and quiet nature, with camera, walking cane and whispering salty breezes.
For someone trying to preserve the integrity of a severely dissected aorta, low blood pressure and slow pulse are so very important.
Nature's indescribable display of colors, forms, geometry, music and scents woven in simply complex life create peace for my soul, and I feel like there may be a chance my heart and cardiovascular system may hold on for a season more.
As can be found on the poetry page of my blog here, haiku and one breath words are my way of conveying the peace found along the path to you and others seeking cardiovascular health. So here is my haiku for the Imperial Moth, Eacles imperialis and the willow tree, Salix sp.:
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| Cardiovascular health can be found in nature walks |
Nature's indescribable display of colors, forms, geometry, music and scents woven in simply complex life create peace for my soul, and I feel like there may be a chance my heart and cardiovascular system may hold on for a season more.
As can be found on the poetry page of my blog here, haiku and one breath words are my way of conveying the peace found along the path to you and others seeking cardiovascular health. So here is my haiku for the Imperial Moth, Eacles imperialis and the willow tree, Salix sp.:
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Life Shared
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.
dirt, dew, light fusion
shy moth and willow spring forth
weaving a story
.
Flagler Beach, Florida, October 2013
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May you find peace for your heart today outside in the sunshine.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Yoga on the Beach - Sandpiper (Sanderling - Shore Bird Style)
One of my physical therapies for preventing the descending dissection in my body from further aneurysing is to take daily walks. The Atlantic Ocean is one of my favorite spots for many reasons.
Walking along the Atlantic, the crashing waves calm my spirit and quiet any rising hypertension. There is always plenty of wildlife and nature to take in, either with the camera or just sitting still and appreciating the amazing life around me.
Yesterday a small sandpiper was really happy to be alive and put on an amazing show of yoga (what I should be doing) in the sand just beyond wave's reach.
There is so much beautiful peace to be found in still quietness. Enjoy the photos.
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| Sandpiper (Sanderling), Mala Compra, Florida, October 2013 |
Yesterday a small sandpiper was really happy to be alive and put on an amazing show of yoga (what I should be doing) in the sand just beyond wave's reach.
There is so much beautiful peace to be found in still quietness. Enjoy the photos.
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Saturday, October 19, 2013
Simple Spirituality, My Search for The Divine and the Meaning of Life
I have been looking for the meaning of life and think I have found it.
For me, the meaning of life can be found in love.
When we love other people we have found The Divine. That's it. That's all.
I could stop here because there is nothing else to say.
But I going to try to explain myself in really simple terms because I need to try and be consistent with basic principles of western logic; for myself and for others and because, lol, my blog posts need to be a certain length.
First of all, for me ‘The Divine’ must be simple. Because my cognitive level is damaged as a result of multiple open heart surgeries and my being on heart by-pass for hours I have a difficult time with complicated things. So spirituality must be easy.
Complex liturgy and lists of things to do and not do may sound beautiful for a contemplative moment but the meaning quickly evaporates as the seconds tick by and my ADHD or stroke induced forgetfulness overwhelms my mind.
Fortunately, simple words like ‘I love you’ profoundly call out to my soul, my deep inner sanctum, my heart, the place where my self-realization and self-awareness reside. When I am in the midst of love I am also aware of the presence of a permanent Divinity and the paralyzing fear (so typical of my humanness) of temporality fades.
Secondly, walking on death’s threshold with my medical condition, I want to know God. I also need the Divine because I am scared of facing a cold, dark eternity alone, by myself. Believing in The Divine alleviates this fear, even if doing so exposes my fragility. But that is what love is for.
Let me be very clear here about a side issue. It’s OK if you don’t believe in life after death or God. I will honor your beliefs. In turn I expect the same freedom to believe how I need to, of you. And it is OK if you have a different religious belief from across the U.S. or the world. I hold you in esteem for your beliefs and wish the same respect in return.
Now, it is really hard to put what I truly want to say in written words. As a sometimes writer and blogger I like to think words are the best way to communicate ideas. But everyone perceives written words differently. We can both read a sentence and not find the same meaning.
I can even tell you what a group of words is supposed to mean and after hearing me ramble you may still have your own understanding. The words we use as a human race are terribly inadequate to accurately describe spirituality.
So, ‘The Divine’ is the term I will use here in this post mostly because for me the term ‘God’ has been permanently defiled with an image of an angry, scornful old man up in the sky waiting to strike someone in retribution for even a small misstep.
And I want to believe The Divine loves us no matter what feeble proper noun we choose to call it and won’t get pissed off if we spell or say the right name wrong or the wrong name right.
So, because I think on very simple levels and I am physically fragile with respect to cardiovascular health and realize each breath could be my last, I long for a really simple spirituality and a desire to know and abide in The Divine. Complicated words are confusing. Simple words may be the best. Love is a simple word.
But perhaps words are not even necessary to know The Divine. Yes, you can read scripture or verse over and over and tell me what it means. Quite possibly I may be able to see The Divine in those words but I really do not need those words to know The Great Divine; for God is much more than words.
Likewise, you can take me to the top of the highest mountain, through the depths of rain forests or down into the oceans and show me wonderful handiwork, creation, amazing life. Yes, I can feel God’s hand on my shoulders in the summit wind, or hear God’s voice inside flowing waters or calling birds but I do not need to see the brilliant handiwork of nature to know The Great Divine.
I may sit in a church pew and listen to elegant verbal illustrations of the theologian and catch a glimpse of God’s story. But I do not need the preacher’s well rehearsed script full of those words validating his or her learnings, to really know God.
Historic Dead sea scrolls with dusty ancient Greek, Hebrew or Aramaic writings may hold special insight about God. Yet none of these parchments from which much of the Bible is written are not necessary to know The Divine, neither is the Bible. In fact I really think one does not even have to be able to read, and they can be deaf, dumb or even in a coma and still find The Divine.
When I float in our swimming pool with my eyes closed my St. Jude aortic valve sounds loud under water and something I reason that is probably similar to what I listened to in the womb for nine months. But many of my other senses are shut down floating with eyes shut. And even without my cognitive logic and senses operating as they usually do, I still know love.
So to me, none of our human senses are required for pure and simple spirituality, or to be in a relationship with The Divine.
I find pure spirituality in love. I believe God is love. I believe love is of The Divine. I believe love is The Divine.
And now I want to learn how to love, forgive, be forgiven, and empty myself of negativity, fear or resistance I may have towards others. I want to live in love, nothing else.
Going back to those dusty parchments called the Dead Sea Scrolls, some of the texts have been interpreted to say God is love. We should pay attention to these powerful words. Weaving love into our life can be easy. Martin Luther's words helped me understand this when he said, ‘Love God and do as you please’. Meshing love and life can be easy (though we usually have a tendency to take the long, hard route) and as I said, my brain needs to operate on very base levels to be consistently functional.
Today I like to take Luther’s quote and adapt the words ever so slightly for my own benefit, saying, ‘love Love and be yourself’.
By loving love we are loving God because God is love. By being ourselves we are acknowledging our humanity. This is simple spirituality. Not much to it. To reside in the presence of God we should give and accept love. By living in love I will be living in the presence of God.
This is not a separatism of dualities rather it is an emptying of self interest and replacement of our desires with love, help, friendship, kindness and placing our neighbor first, that brings us into the presence of The Divine.
Acknowledging our humanity allows us to be who we are as a man or woman living in a complicated universe. And I am going to write another post about my humanity, my animalness. I am going to try and use words to describe why I am so much like the bear foraging in our swampy flatwoods, the osprey enjoying fresh kill from the salt marsh, the eagle ruffling his feathers and guarding his nest and female, the snake in the weeds or the wise old owl, the butterfly dancing in the wind and why I am also a human, one seeking permanency through love.
Suffice it for the moment of conclusion here to say I am drawn to another group of words from those old parchments found in a cave. Paraphrasing, they say ‘when two or three come together, in my name, there I am also’. I know when I am with others, uplifting them, I am in the presence of a great love and have found the meaning of life.
And I will be glad to share my bloody raw fish kill with you any day you are hungry. Just don’t mess with my female or my kids and leave my territory as clean as you found it when you leave.
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| My search for true spirituality was long and complicated when it should have been easy |
When we love other people we have found The Divine. That's it. That's all.
I could stop here because there is nothing else to say.
But I going to try to explain myself in really simple terms because I need to try and be consistent with basic principles of western logic; for myself and for others and because, lol, my blog posts need to be a certain length.
First of all, for me ‘The Divine’ must be simple. Because my cognitive level is damaged as a result of multiple open heart surgeries and my being on heart by-pass for hours I have a difficult time with complicated things. So spirituality must be easy.
Complex liturgy and lists of things to do and not do may sound beautiful for a contemplative moment but the meaning quickly evaporates as the seconds tick by and my ADHD or stroke induced forgetfulness overwhelms my mind.
Fortunately, simple words like ‘I love you’ profoundly call out to my soul, my deep inner sanctum, my heart, the place where my self-realization and self-awareness reside. When I am in the midst of love I am also aware of the presence of a permanent Divinity and the paralyzing fear (so typical of my humanness) of temporality fades.
Secondly, walking on death’s threshold with my medical condition, I want to know God. I also need the Divine because I am scared of facing a cold, dark eternity alone, by myself. Believing in The Divine alleviates this fear, even if doing so exposes my fragility. But that is what love is for.
Let me be very clear here about a side issue. It’s OK if you don’t believe in life after death or God. I will honor your beliefs. In turn I expect the same freedom to believe how I need to, of you. And it is OK if you have a different religious belief from across the U.S. or the world. I hold you in esteem for your beliefs and wish the same respect in return.
Now, it is really hard to put what I truly want to say in written words. As a sometimes writer and blogger I like to think words are the best way to communicate ideas. But everyone perceives written words differently. We can both read a sentence and not find the same meaning.
I can even tell you what a group of words is supposed to mean and after hearing me ramble you may still have your own understanding. The words we use as a human race are terribly inadequate to accurately describe spirituality.
So, ‘The Divine’ is the term I will use here in this post mostly because for me the term ‘God’ has been permanently defiled with an image of an angry, scornful old man up in the sky waiting to strike someone in retribution for even a small misstep.
And I want to believe The Divine loves us no matter what feeble proper noun we choose to call it and won’t get pissed off if we spell or say the right name wrong or the wrong name right.
So, because I think on very simple levels and I am physically fragile with respect to cardiovascular health and realize each breath could be my last, I long for a really simple spirituality and a desire to know and abide in The Divine. Complicated words are confusing. Simple words may be the best. Love is a simple word.
But perhaps words are not even necessary to know The Divine. Yes, you can read scripture or verse over and over and tell me what it means. Quite possibly I may be able to see The Divine in those words but I really do not need those words to know The Great Divine; for God is much more than words.
Likewise, you can take me to the top of the highest mountain, through the depths of rain forests or down into the oceans and show me wonderful handiwork, creation, amazing life. Yes, I can feel God’s hand on my shoulders in the summit wind, or hear God’s voice inside flowing waters or calling birds but I do not need to see the brilliant handiwork of nature to know The Great Divine.
I may sit in a church pew and listen to elegant verbal illustrations of the theologian and catch a glimpse of God’s story. But I do not need the preacher’s well rehearsed script full of those words validating his or her learnings, to really know God.
Historic Dead sea scrolls with dusty ancient Greek, Hebrew or Aramaic writings may hold special insight about God. Yet none of these parchments from which much of the Bible is written are not necessary to know The Divine, neither is the Bible. In fact I really think one does not even have to be able to read, and they can be deaf, dumb or even in a coma and still find The Divine.
When I float in our swimming pool with my eyes closed my St. Jude aortic valve sounds loud under water and something I reason that is probably similar to what I listened to in the womb for nine months. But many of my other senses are shut down floating with eyes shut. And even without my cognitive logic and senses operating as they usually do, I still know love.
So to me, none of our human senses are required for pure and simple spirituality, or to be in a relationship with The Divine.
I find pure spirituality in love. I believe God is love. I believe love is of The Divine. I believe love is The Divine.
And now I want to learn how to love, forgive, be forgiven, and empty myself of negativity, fear or resistance I may have towards others. I want to live in love, nothing else.
Going back to those dusty parchments called the Dead Sea Scrolls, some of the texts have been interpreted to say God is love. We should pay attention to these powerful words. Weaving love into our life can be easy. Martin Luther's words helped me understand this when he said, ‘Love God and do as you please’. Meshing love and life can be easy (though we usually have a tendency to take the long, hard route) and as I said, my brain needs to operate on very base levels to be consistently functional.
Today I like to take Luther’s quote and adapt the words ever so slightly for my own benefit, saying, ‘love Love and be yourself’.
By loving love we are loving God because God is love. By being ourselves we are acknowledging our humanity. This is simple spirituality. Not much to it. To reside in the presence of God we should give and accept love. By living in love I will be living in the presence of God.
This is not a separatism of dualities rather it is an emptying of self interest and replacement of our desires with love, help, friendship, kindness and placing our neighbor first, that brings us into the presence of The Divine.
Acknowledging our humanity allows us to be who we are as a man or woman living in a complicated universe. And I am going to write another post about my humanity, my animalness. I am going to try and use words to describe why I am so much like the bear foraging in our swampy flatwoods, the osprey enjoying fresh kill from the salt marsh, the eagle ruffling his feathers and guarding his nest and female, the snake in the weeds or the wise old owl, the butterfly dancing in the wind and why I am also a human, one seeking permanency through love.
Suffice it for the moment of conclusion here to say I am drawn to another group of words from those old parchments found in a cave. Paraphrasing, they say ‘when two or three come together, in my name, there I am also’. I know when I am with others, uplifting them, I am in the presence of a great love and have found the meaning of life.
And I will be glad to share my bloody raw fish kill with you any day you are hungry. Just don’t mess with my female or my kids and leave my territory as clean as you found it when you leave.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Making More Healthy Coffee in a Sustainable Manner for Heart and Cardiovascular Health
I love good coffee. One of first things I wanted after my aorta replacement surgery was a cup of coffee.
But I detest coffee made in the drip maker. The product tastes like what I would suppose plastic and petrochemicals taste like. Blah!
Furthermore, there are quite a few articles out there pointing out just how dangerous chemicals that leach from plastic may be, and the harm to our bodies (and cardiovascular system) that hot water carrying those leached compounds from the drip maker can cause. Yuck!
Moreover, it is possible that we are poisoning ourselves by using drip coffee makers. There are many petrochemical related compounds, mold release agents, stabilizers and other substances that may be found in plastics. Over time the hot water running through a drip coffee maker with plastic parts may leach out chemicals that should not be in our bodies. For more information on plastics and chemical leaching check out the link here to an good NPR news article.
Fortunately we found a coffee press system that is stainless steel and glass. The Mr. Coffee Press makes the best coffee I have had in a long time. A coffee press without plastic is a great way for anyone to live a 'greener' and more sustainable life!
And I am not worrying as much now about drinking leached plastic compounds every morning. Less worry means less stress on my bionic heart and this is good news.
So for those of you who are unfamiliar with this simple coffee system, here is a quick look at the way I make coffee in the morning now.
First heat water in a teapot, preferably filtered water. Second grind your favorite whole beans into whatever grind size you like. I prefer strong bold coffee so my grounds are relatively fine.
Then pour your ground coffee into the bottom of your coffee press.
Add hot water. I like mine about 160F, but I've found that as long as the water is steaming it should be hot enough. Do not bring your water to a hard boil. Experimenting around with different water temperatures will allow you to choose just how hot you want your brewing coffee to be. Some mornings I just listen for the teapot to start making its grumbling noises and I then know the water is ready.
Let the coffee brew for about three minutes. Add the plunger lid and gently press down.
You will be totally amazed at how delicious your coffee tastes! Sustainability and health go hand in hand. Removing plastic drip coffee makers from our lives is a good start to better heart and cardiovascular health.
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| French Press made coffee has replaced our drip maker for health reasons |
Furthermore, there are quite a few articles out there pointing out just how dangerous chemicals that leach from plastic may be, and the harm to our bodies (and cardiovascular system) that hot water carrying those leached compounds from the drip maker can cause. Yuck!
Moreover, it is possible that we are poisoning ourselves by using drip coffee makers. There are many petrochemical related compounds, mold release agents, stabilizers and other substances that may be found in plastics. Over time the hot water running through a drip coffee maker with plastic parts may leach out chemicals that should not be in our bodies. For more information on plastics and chemical leaching check out the link here to an good NPR news article.
Fortunately we found a coffee press system that is stainless steel and glass. The Mr. Coffee Press makes the best coffee I have had in a long time. A coffee press without plastic is a great way for anyone to live a 'greener' and more sustainable life!
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| Stainless and glass instead of mostly plastic |
So for those of you who are unfamiliar with this simple coffee system, here is a quick look at the way I make coffee in the morning now.
First heat water in a teapot, preferably filtered water. Second grind your favorite whole beans into whatever grind size you like. I prefer strong bold coffee so my grounds are relatively fine.
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| Heart Health and Coffee - Fresh Roasted Beans |
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| Heart Health and Coffee - Freshly Ground Beans |
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| Heart Health and Coffee - Fresh Brew |
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| Heart Health and Coffee - Pressing the Brew |
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