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| Corkscrew Swamp hiking for Aortic Health |
More relevant to me than the app analogy is an image of paper file folders scattered across a desktop, flung open, stacks of typed or handwritten pages lying everywhere. A jumbled up mess of a lot of information is not only confusing but disheartening too.
"Peace be still."
Life with a dissected aorta and Marfan Syndrome (the connective tissue disorder in part responsible for my torn aorta) and with chronic kidney disease from multiple open heart surgeries is a challenge not only on the physical limitation front but also because of the massive amounts of health information I must process daily.
Will this particular food raise your INR or drop the INR and cause a clot?
What about the bleeding an activity might cause if I get bumped or scraped?
What will I be doing when its time to take my beta-blocker that makes me want to fall asleep?
How long do dissectees usually survive?
Daily the questions fill the desktop of my mind like pages from the scattered, jumbled files or too many open apps.
My solution lately is to imagine taking a break and neatly filing all the paperwork and files back into the file cabinet in my back pocket. Except for the one file I am using here and now.
Sometimes I switch to the app analogy and close all the open apps in my mind except for the one I need now.
So if I am driving then all the thoughts of medications, things I need to do, people I need to stay in touch with, my yoga and swimming I have not done for the day, my blog which I have not touched in a year - well all those thoughts disappear and my focus is only on the road and those cars around me.
Which is the way it should be.
Peace be still. My blood pressure falls back to where it should be.
The people I am with take notice that I am more engaged presently.
And when I practice this mode of information management my chronic depression from living with these challenging physical conditions begins to subside.
Be here now.
Close the files. Close the apps.
Try telling yourself "Close the files. Close the apps" next time you are overwhelmed with a barrage of information, thoughts and ideas running rampant.
Pease be still.
And then I can more easily deal with my "new reality" of living with a torn aorta.
When, in fact the "new reality" I've been reminding myself daily of is not really a "new reality".
Sure my aorta was not torn before my dissection but it was going to happen. I just didn't know it.
Now, today I know I live with a pre-disposition (and a torn aorta) to connective tissue tears and all the cardiovascular and muscular problems associated with Marfan.
Understanding my dissection life is not a new, strange and unknown life for me is important.
I've always lived with the potential for cardiovascular problems, I just did not know it. But today I understand.
The difference today is I have all the folders and information now about these chronic health problems whereas before I did not. I am still the same person physically today yet I now know.
And all this new knowledge is what causes much of my anxiety.
I am overwhelmed and depressed until I remember....
Close the files. Close the apps.
Peace be still.
Be here now.
And its all ok.
My back pocket file cabinet is especially important when I am writing this blog, or laying down to sleep or working on my art or doing yoga or preparing food or doing chores, you see I close out all the other apps, especially those files of mortality or other unpleasantries and focus on the task at hand. Life is much easier when the winds of a thousand pages are not constantly buffeting my curly thin hair.
So when the dermatologist's office called yesterday morning and told me the mole they removed from my leg biopsied positive for melanoma, all the files flew out of the cabinet back onto the desktop of my life once more.
For a while I did the whole 'search the internet for answers on how to put the files back to the way they were before the phone call thing'.
Then I realized the melanoma had been there before yesterday, probably long before yesterday and the reality was similar to when I learned about my Marfan Dx. I now had information I hadn't had before.
So I quickly filed the scattered papers and folders and put them back into the filing cabinet and closed out all those extra apps.
Instead of fretting about the 'M' word Dx we went to Corkscrew Swamp and watched the sun go down and the almost full moon rise.
And I enjoyed my evening.
The dermatologist office has a great MOH surgeon and they are scheduling a surgery to remove the affected skin area. I'll open the 'mole' file as I have to just like I do with the 'dissection' file.
But I will also keep them closed when in not in use.
Scattered pages, even if they are full of important information, are useless when in an out of focused jumble.
So close out your excess files and put them away.
Be here now.
Life is really a privilege and I so enjoy focusing on each breath, each moment and each day.
Peace, be still.
